Coming back to work after a lovely family summer holiday is always busy! Perhaps a little frustrating today as many phone calls relate to difficulties between parents where contact between them and their children have suffered as a result of these difficulties.
Whilst on holiday, my nephews were busy making cards to give to their father and grandfather for Father’s Day. This got me thinking about the many children who lose the experience of making their dad feel special simply because their parents don’t live under one roof anymore. There is also the experience I enjoyed of spending time with my nephews on the beach and their excitement of being on holiday. I was saddened to think than many parents and children often lose this experience too.
I regularly remind my clients of the big tick boxes, ‘Don’t fight in front of the children, ’ ‘Don’t speak badly of your ex’ and ‘Always put your children first’. I also think we can assist our client’s further by mentioning those smaller boxes such as special days, family events and what can be done about these too.
It’s not hard to understand how these special days can be painful for parents. Clearly they can stir up heartbreaking feelings of loss. I hear many say ‘I don’t owe my ex anything!’ but many need to be reminded that you owe your kids the opportunity to love and cherish both of their parents. This is not to say that those feelings may not be justified or that you are not completely entitled to feel that way. However, the law does not approach family law from the perspective of your ex, it approaches it from the view that it is about the children.
Separating your feelings about special days or events such as holidays from the needs of your children is important. When you both commit to staying focused on your children’s needs you have the opportunity to
• Send a clear message that it’s okay to love both of their parents
• You continue to support the importance of family in your children’s lives and in their future adult lives
• Teach them the meaning of doing from others
• Help them embrace change while maintaining values
Christina Mc Ghee the author of Parenting Apart sets out some helpful tips on how to keep special days for your children special –
1. Plan ahead
Some parents already have arrangements in place regarding how special days will be handled. If you don’t have something worked out, consider talking to your ex about the situation. Take out a calendar and make note of where special days fall during the year, include parent’s and children’s birthdays. Consider what is important to your kids and think through what you could do to alleviate possible tension around those dates. If it’s important to your ex to be with the children on their birthday then offer to switch days, invite to birthday party or discuss times when you have made your own arrangements so an adjustment can be agreed. If father’s day is on your weekend suggest making arrangements for the children to spend the day or weekend with dad. It also helpful to think about situations that involve events with extended family such as Aunt Wendy’s 50th Birthday party or Grandma and Granddad’s surprise wedding anniversary party.
If it is difficult to discuss matters directly - then I firmly believe with my assistance as a Mediator, an independent and neutral third party we could have discussions to assist you in reaching an agreement regarding the above matters.
2. Follow your children’s lead
Talk with your children ahead of time about what they would like to do for Dad/ Mum on their special day. Listen to their ideas about how they would like to honour their parent and follow their lead. Remember it is ok to set appropriate boundaries around what you can and can’t do.
Younger children need more guidance about how to make a day special. Older children although more capable will need a reminder and your support. Consider asking them what their plans are for the day and if they need your help. This may not seem like much but in the long run this will mean something to your child.
3. Keep gestures appropriate
Make sure you support good choices and keep gestures for the other parent appropriate. If your children want to pick dad a shirt don’t help them pick out the ugliest cheapest shirt you can find from Primark or likewise don’t go to Harvey Nicholls and pick out something for mum which is two sizes too small. Keep your own thoughts to yourself but for your children’s sake steer clear of temptation of using this to get one over your ex. If money is an issue, consider lower budget options such as helping children make homemade gifts, framed photos, special cards or baking mum or dad’s favourite dish.
4. If your ex isn’t supportive
Unfortunately no matter how hard you try to do right by your children, you have no control over the choices your ex makes. If your ex isn’t willing to help your children, you can still offer your kids the chance to feel good about the day. Plan a special trip so the kids can still feel special about the day, declare you need several hugs for Father’s Day, take kids shopping and let them help you pick something out or cook your favourite meal together.
If the arrangements cannot be adjusted or there is significant distance between the two homes let your children know that you will celebrate next time you are together.